I've been having some problems lately. I guess one of the main ones is I'm over stressing myself, which is something I need to work at. One of my problems used to be was a dwelled on the past too much, but I've seem to overcome that. I mean, I still do that now and then, but I think everyone thinks about the past now and then. I'm just not doing it constantly and every day like I used to. If there's anything I dwell on now it would be the future. I think far too much about what I want to do in the future and I'm clueless. What do I want to do with myself when I get out of the Navy?

I've thought of several things. In the past, I've thought about things like becoming a teacher, or some type of computer administrator or something like that. The past few days, I've even thought about being some type of news journalist or a radio station disc jockey. The one main problem I find of all these ideas of what I might want to do in the future is all of these jobs just seem to be unstable. How long are we still going to have schools so that you'll need teachers? With the dwindling amount of teachers, I wouldn't doubt that it be too long before a lot of students do all of their learning at home on computers. The computer industry, as far as I see it, is becoming saturated to the point that there is no real demand for any real computer professionals. They are all out there for the picking and becoming a dime a dozen. As far as the disc jockey idea, Internet radios seem to be on the rise, and not only that, but also systems that can be broadcast around the entire country by use of satellites. I've seen systems on TV that will allow you to do that in your car. Though I do believe that local stations will always be around, I don't think there will be as many. So, out of all those choices, a DJ or some sort of TV journalist seem to be my best options, but these just seem to be things that I would be interested in for only a short period of time, almost like everything else. I just want to do too much is the problem. I can't do everything I want to do in my life. I would almost have to be immortal to do that. And immortal is one thing I definitely am not.

But, not only the future is causing my stress level to be rather high right now. It's also being on this boat out at sea for such a long period of time. I have no really good friends out here, like James or Justin. Most people I know out here I would just consider acquaintances. The one person I thought would be a friend out here isn't really that, in fact, I'm pretty sure that he stole money from me, which isn't really a friend thing to do. He denies it of course, but he did pay it back to me, saying that it was some sort of mistake. A check was missing from my checkbook, and it happened to be the same number that his credit card company made to make a payment. Coincidence? He says his wife called in the payment, and they asked her if she wanted to use the same account number as the last payment, and she said yes. About two months prior I had written a check for him to mail in a payment, and I don't seem them using that to ask if they want to use the same account number. It just doesn't make any sense. But, at least I got that money back. I don't really talk to him anymore as it is. I don't really talk to anyone out here. And that in itself causes me some stress. There is just no one I'm highly interested in talking to, and partly because no one is highly interested in listening to me... and those who do, just use what I say against me to get a laugh.

It's not only the lack of friends out here, but to enhance it, it's the isolation. I can't escape from my work. I eat, sleep and breathe my work around here, and I can't go out and get a drink at night, or just drive around town. All I have right now is this boat. And right now, that we are going to be out to sea for well over a month straight, just amplifies that problem as well. So, the whole reality of the situation is I'm having a hard time out here, and I'm forced to face it, and can't take a break. Period.

I've been getting into learning some computer things out here again though. I have been looking at books that some people have on board to enhance my knowledge of HTML and some programming as well. I'm taking great joy in it, even though I can't do as much as I would like to. After we get back to San Diego, I would like to get my own place again, and this time get a computer so I can work on things like that, as well as have the access to the Internet that I used to have back again. That would definitely make me happy for quite some time.

When we do get back, they are going to have leave periods that we can take, and I don't know if I can take any of those. Not that I can't take them, just that there are other things I want to do with my leave. I would like to go back up to West Virginia for Thanksgiving again this year, and home for Christmas. Also, there is something not long after the new year that I would like to take leave for. The thing is, do I have enough leave time for all of this, and secondly, can I get it all. After we pull in, this boat will pretty much be real relaxed so I can do some things, but a few weeks afterward, we are going to be going into dry dock. I have heard good and bad things about this evolution, and I don't know which is true. It's a whole new set of rules once that happens, and I don't know what they are quite yet. Plays hell on trying to make future plans.

So that's one big thing about the Navy, it's very hard to make any future plans when they can call upon you at any time and deny you a break. I used to have a good hold on my future before I came in. Even though I wasn't sure what I wanted to do, I was free to move about and do things, always having a backup plan for if something fell through. I just don't have this option out here. I guess one might call it a total lack of Freedom. Well, I seriously long to have that freedom back. Maybe not entirely the way I had it, but I would like to have control of my life back.