For the past couple of days, I have really been living in the past. I find that that is one of my problems in life, is I dwell on the past quite a bit. I haven't done it as often lately, and I do feel that it is okay to do so every now and then, but it hit me hard a couple of days ago. I don't even know what caused it, it was just all of a sudden that's all I could think about. Unfortunately, instead of bringing me up, this only brought me down.

I started thinking about what major accomplishments I have made in my life, and I couldn't think of one. I have never dedicated myself to something major and tried sticking with it. That's probably something that caused me to miss out on a lot of things in itself. I have never tried really hard to do one thing. I usually just slack it, and if it becomes to the point where I'm not liking it, I try to bail out. The one exception to this would be the Navy. This is something that I am trying my hardest to stick out until the end of my turn, even though I want out so bad. Don't think I haven't thought about, or watched others do it. I mean, just a couple of days ago, I learned of another sailor who basically smoked some weed just before he knew there was going to be a drug test, and boom, he's out. It's really that simple, and it's not like it would have a major impact on your life unless you wanted to work in the government again. Something like that I could easily do and it would be over and I could move on and do whatever I wanted from there, but of course, I'm not really sure what I want to do from there yet. All I know is I want to find something I enjoy doing.

Dwelling on the past the last few days, I found myself thinking a great deal of my last station in Charleston. I miss it there very much, even as flat and hot as it gets. I miss the feeling of being there and everything that came with it. I don't mean just the karaoke and the work I was at, but simple things like going to Best Buy, or meeting with friends at their base housing. Doesn't seem like much. It's amazing the little things you miss once they are gone. One thing I miss a great deal about Charleston was actually my drives from Charleston, SC to Charleston, WV. I really like driving, and that was time to myself. A 7 hour drive each way. Most people would just give it up, but that's something I miss a great deal. Stopping at gas stations along the way and rest areas. Meeting new people that were also traveling. Driving through the different cities. Sure it was always the same drive, but I cannot think of one time when I really did not enjoy the drive. Even the drive back put me in better spirits after having to leave my girlfriend behind for another two or three weeks. The drive began not so well, but by the time I got to the first toll gate, I was feeling better, knowing I would be back again. Things I also miss about that was listening to music during the drive; looking at cars as they passed with families doing whatever inside, weather it be sleeping or chatting; checking out where the other cars were driving from; and also, I liked watching to road and exit signs to see how far it was from state to state. I can't believe how much I miss that drive. Even when I was just sitting in traffic. I guess I just feel comfortable behind the wheel of a car. It's just one of the few things I really enjoy doing. Sometimes, when I'm driving around the city, I get a little upset that the drive isn't longer.

Some other things I really miss about Charleston was where I worked, which I believe I have written about before, I really enjoyed living at my apartment (especially when I did my little Christmas decorating), and listening to the morning radio show, two girls and a guy in the morning. I have learned that since my departure, two of the people who did that have left and been replaced. Joe is now gone, who was the guy after replacing the original guy when I got there, and also Maggie, which surprised me, because I expected Karen, the other girl, to leave first. She has these great expectations of being able to work for the E! channel. But the fact that two of them have left and been replaced, elaborate on something that I have already come to discover. Even if I were to find my back there and somehow get the same job there and everything, it wouldn't be the same, and never will be the same. Even if I were to find a way back, it would all be different and a whole new experience which might not make me as happy as it did before, and that alone could just upset me. I have discovered that one before, returning somewhere where I had a good time, and it wasn't nearly as enjoyable the second time.

I've learned that I have to start living for the moment. The past is the past, and it's good to look back on it now and then, but realize that after the past is gone, you have to move on. Try to find those new un-lived experiences. That's something I really want to try doing. I may have said it before, but I am finding myself more dedicated to this, at least for the time being. I don't know how to make much more of being on this boat, but I do have port visits coming up. I am going to do my best to enjoy those. Go out with different people and all even.

Speaking of that, that's another thing that really bothers me here. I have no one I really consider a true friend on this boat yet. I hope to find someone, but hardly anyone shares the same interests as me. This makes this trip a bit harder. There's no one I feel really comfortable talking with about personal matters. There's no one that I talk to about what we are going to do at our next port stop. Pretty much, all that's going to happen there for now is I'm going to go out about the town with whoever will have me along. That kind of is upsetting to me in a way also. Where are all those true friends I've made in my life. How many true friends do I really have? Thinking about it, three people become real clear to me on answering this. Val, James, and Justin. Val's my girlfriend (obviously), James is my best friend I met in college, and Justin (Kincaid) someone I met while in nuke school that I got along with really well. He was someone I could trust and he felt he could trust me. I'm not really sure where he went, but I hope he's doing well. I also hope to find him again someday, but only if things would be the same. That would be the same as the above. Perhaps it would be better not to see him again and just remember all the good memories. I just really wish I could find a real friend on this boat.

I really wish there were brighter notes to speak on, but there's nothing really super good going on right now. I mean, how much can you really talk about being stuck in the middle of the ocean on a boat with no other options of going anywhere else. I have been keeping a daily log of this trip though that I am considering putting onto a CD that I am thinking about making of this trip for family and friends.

I guess a brighter note would be talking about what I am in hopes for when I get back. When I get back, the first thing I want to do is find my own place. If I can find a real friend by then, I would love to have him as a roommate, but as of right now, I would just rather find a place on my own if I can afford it. After that, I want to get a computer again. That's something I miss doing. There's only so much you can do on a laptop. I want to get back into messing around with computers again. After all, it may be what I am doing once I get out of the Navy. Then, I am going to have my stuff delivered from South Carolina and I can start enjoying life again. Who knows what all is going to happen from there, but at least I have a slight plan for when I get back. Until then, let's just hope that this underway period I am on right now will go well.

To just give a brief update on what is going on right now though (as of the day this is written that is), we just crossed the International Date Line yesterday. So technically, I am a day ahead of everyone back in the states now. Also, at the same time, we crossed the equator making it so that I am also now in the southern hemisphere. And in case you are wondering, yes it is hot. It is very hot! It's so hot, the boat is literally sweating! The high humidity in the air gathers on the boat making it so that water drips on the outer decks. In a sense, that could be considered sweat, so that's the line I like to use. It's so hot, the boat is sweating. The last stop I made was in Hawaii, but I didn't make a log entry about that due to the fact that it was a working port so I was still on the boat most of the time. I actually never left the base. Unfortunately, I cannot divulge our next stop at this time. So, basically that's it. It's hot, and we are just moving along across the Pacific Ocean. I can't wait until we get to our next port...